Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Sorry about my life...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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