my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
