you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
