I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
