Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
