"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
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