I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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