his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
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