woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
