She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
