when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
