Swine flu. Run for my life!
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
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