a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
