If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
