i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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