If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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