im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize
