yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
