Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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