I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
