I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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