yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
