i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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