she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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