So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
