We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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