I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
