Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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