just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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