I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
