fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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