Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
