someone threw a dead crab at me
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
