You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Randomize
