Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
