I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
