I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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