I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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