How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
