so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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