Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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