Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
