Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
