I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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