I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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