You're a womanizer and a bitch.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
