You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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