Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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