If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
