we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
My vagina is very pro this idea
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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